Pyramid Scheme, by The Spruce Moose

Pyramid Scheme

by The Spruce Moose

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1.	Pyramid Scheme 04:46	lyrics
They said I could get the cash I need But I’d have to work hard, and legally To work like a schmuck can’t satisfy my greed I need to make cash at ludicrous speed They say every minute a sucker is born I make it my mission to shuck them like corn Called myself Dr. Hux, the chiropractor Now pay me big bucks to kick you onto the floor No license, no problem Our prices, rock bottom The storefront looks awesome And clients, we got em You’d think it’d be tough To train up to snuff Now don’t call our bluff But a trash can’s enough Chaos in Chriopraxy Doctors wages, tax free Hired some mafia lackeys The CRA wants to track me Chaos in Chiropraxy Huckster is the way to be Join us and you’ll see Come be part of our pyramid scheme It’s not so surprising It’s sure tantalixing But one day, one mistake Led to our chastising They said it was not fair To write off our donairs The taxman wants his share They ask "how you dare" The terror ov audit We must try to outwit Don't show them the ballpit CRAP... they saw the ballpit Chaos in Chriopraxy Doctors wages, tax free Hired some mafia lackeys The CRA wants to track me Chaos in Chiropraxy Huckster is the way to be Come join us and you’ll see Be part of our pyramid scheme Shut down, denied Tax evasion Destroyed, Burned down Bankrupt … donairs! Chaos in Chiropraxy The feds they don’t agree Can’t pay our lackeys The CRA has tracked me Chaos in Chiropraxy Hucksters forced to flee We’ll return and you’ll see We’ll make a brand new pyramid scheme
2.	Pay to Pray 09:21	lyrics
Chased out by the tax horde A sad donair’s all we can afford A cunning scheme we must brainstorm And then it hits us Religion, a tax exempt lore We’ll make a church, we implore Praise be the Moose Lord I’m sure we’ve found salvation Soon to bankrupt the nation This idea’s got us aroused All it needs is to be housed Leave the donair shop to find This ultimate passion of mine A better donair Spiritual fufillment will be our bait This will lead all the folks to the collection plate The time for us to separate Your assets from a liquid state The Moose sayeth, Thou shall give money To my service, come one come all to this Landmark Event, like a Supernova We bring enlightenment and enmoosenment RAISE YOUR FIST AND PAY TO PRAY Your dreams will come alive today All you have to do is pay our way Throw your hands out now Raise your fist and pay to praise the Moose lord The time my friends is now Pass the plate around and raise your fist and pay to pray We call upon the prophets – Spruce Lee, Spruce Campbell, Spruce Dickinson and Spruce Willis. Show us the ten commandments of the Spruce Moose! One – thou shall have no other Moose before me Two – Thou shalt make unto me tasty gravy images Three – Thou shalt not take the Moose’s name on thou fake ID Four – Remember Black Sabbath, they were not as good with Ozzy Five – Honor thy father and thy mother, or at least call them once in a while Six, Number Six- Thou shalt not crowdkill, seriously Seven – Thou shall commit to adulting Eight – Thou shall not steal, only Moose shall steal Nine – thou shall bear false returns to thine tax man Ten – Thou shall not covet thy neighbours donairs RAISE YOUR FIST AND PAY TO PRAY Your dreams will come alive today All you have to do is pay our way Throw your hands out now Raise your fist and pay to praise the Moose lord The time my friends is now Pass the plate around and raise your fist and pay to pray A vacant lot we have found With a rose we stomped to the ground A vacant lot we explore Where our big money church will endure Stand and accept your award Hailz to the Moose Lord KNEEL BEFORE ME I’M GONNA TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY
3.	70,000 Tons of Money 04:37	lyrics
The irrelevance of Pascals Wager When false gods bring in mountains of cash People come for Mooses favour But every book of all our gospels clash The world wants low effort salvation And a promise more exciting than two wives Pay us a high enough donation And the Moose will hook you up with two knives Spend your Hard earned Moolah On us It’s a Sacred Duty suckers 70,000 tons of money Decadent kings of Moose and honey Got so rich it isn’t funny … ok, I lied it’s pretty funny Purchased Casa Loma, filled with bison pelts Installed some laser turrets to protect our precious felts Bought the stocks of Amway just to dump it in the sea Even scammers such as us have standards you will see Bought action comics #1 to use as rolling papers Then we brought a patsy in to suck out all the vapor Draped ourselves in so much gold that we can barely walk That’s Ok, we got 4 guys to haul us down the block 70,000 tons of money Decadent kings of Moose and honey Got so rich it isn’t funny … ok, I lied it’s pretty funny It came in a dump truck full of cash Swam in it, it gave me a rash Every night, a Spruce Moose bash Now behold our jumbo panache “If I had a nickel for every dime I had, I’d have even more money!” A lamborghini or 7, high priced hookers, BALES of cocaine, a private island, Disney, Google, Facebook, Pornhub a swimming pool full of sweet sauce, the world’s donair supply a monument to mankind’s hubris and one diet coke 70,000 tons of money Decadent kings of Moose and honey Got so rich it isn’t funny … ok, I lied it’s pretty funny It came in a dump truck full of cash Swam in it, it gave me a rash Every night, a Spruce Moose bash Now behold our jumbo panache
4.	Measure of a Moose 05:46	lyrics
DECANDENCE Doesn’t even begin to be an understatement of the life we’re in, SUPER-COCAINE Is a our drug of choice, GMO cause organic coke won’t cut it THE METRON Where our serfs fight for the chance to be our human chimney sweep DADDY-DOM To the whole world, cause nothing less can get us off anymore But once upon a night, In a dream, the Moose he shows There’s donairs left and right Moose tells us what he knows With a bright and shining light The sacred tablet glows Tells of a holy site Where the sweetest sauce does flow WAKING UP On a pile of money surrounded by the most beautiful ladies SHAKEN UP We all had the same dream while surrounded by beautiful ladies TAKEN UP With this mysterious sign and did I mention all the beautiful ladies Not MAKING UP Seriously, we’ve got for us a lot of beautiful ladies Pack up our things and start to go Our private jet is set to fly Off to the Donair Fountain of Youth Head inside, we see the Spruce Moose “Oh! See now! You’ve reached my donair cave, oh you’ve done Well! Be swell And heed my crooked wisdom Oh! See now You’ve reached my donair cave, oh you’ve done Well! Be swell And heed my shifty warning” (Why are we here?) Fufill the ancient prophecies, Defeat the dark bureaucracy, And can you get me super-coke (What the BULL FUCKIN HELL? Tell us of these bureaucrats) All I know Is those pencil-pushing Spreadsheet schtupping Business goblins Wouldn’t let me write off my pet shark Bruce (So what happened next?) …they kicked me out celestial cubicle farm Is where they do stygian business Infernal boardrooms, ass-numbing chairs The only coffee, Timmies FUCK ME Pack up our things and start to go Our private jet is set to fly Off to the Donair Fountain of Youth Head inside, we see the Spruce Moose “Oh! See now You’ve reached my donair cave, oh you’ve done Well! Be swell And heed my crooked wisdom Oh! See now You’ve reached my donair cave, oh you’ve done Well! Be swell And heed my shifty warning”
5.	Endless Forms Most Bureaucratic 06:10	lyrics
Standing in these badlands, etched with fear The wind is loud as hell, cruel vibes draw near Ghosts from an unfamiliar hell Seeping right into our shell Ultra-fancy necromancy Hieroglyphs of ancient spreadsheets fill a cave within this valley To bureaucratic purgatory Remains of zombie dinosaurs, Start to rise up from the floor, A deafening, somehow boring roar approaches from this age-old portal It shakes this whole place WALLS Crumble like cookies BALL Point pens that line these Halls, out seeps A spirit most litigious “Halt now, you who intrude on our lair In these badlands way down low We’re gonna need you to sign this form For the rights of your very first-born Refuse to comply, and we’ll send you to die Take this number, then rot in the netherlobby to your right Your death is nigh We, the Lords of Clipboardia We suffer you not” The ghosts erupt from the warbling pit Contemptuous, no they won’t acquit us from our so called crimes One man’s fraud is another man’s party line You know the writing’s on the wall You know this cave is where we fall And you know what’s worst of all There’s no donairs in the hallowed halls And as they sign off on our fates I must admit to feeling irate And as they march to annihilate, they stop “guys, hey, wait a minute… bureaucrats can’t stand the smell of a donair! Quick, let’s skiddaddle on out of here. These guys will be on our tail soon enough, let’s gather the troops, and get ready for war! And by war I mean they do the war. Yeah, they do war. We sit around drinking cognac, because honestly… I can’t fight.” Leave this place now to escape, and run down to the other side Shelter from the paperstorm before a battle which draws nigh Have you ever seen a cyclone take the shape of rubber stamps against slow-moving winds of evil Here is where we make our stand fine then, bureaucrats Ain’t afraid of no eldritch desk jockey … the badlands come alive … with the sound of Spruce Donairs!
6.	The Battle of Form 1812-B 05:18	lyrics
Past the point of false returns After our money earned Through counterfeit Laotian Hawaiian shirts To liquidate our assets Liquidate our bodies Cause our T4’s always destined to be shoddy Riding in on dino fossils, bureaucrats attack Their forms become colossal, to crush us in the stack Shitty suited demons, Trying to push their murder quota to the black We have earned 10,000 Moose points and more A halo of antlers, spruce crafted swords Bulky bullmoose steeds, and also loaded C6’s Sending our first wave Of red shirts to be killed Despite our best attempts There’s nowhere to hide (Spoken bit)” A bureaucrat, wielding a giant stamp which is also legally an axe, swinging it wildly runs at me. I fire in his general direction, but having never fired a machine gun before, it veers off and hits a different bureaucrat in his face. Lucky me. I yell “Look over there, an unchecked box!”, and my foe comes to a proper rolling stop, right before I slice him with my Spruce Sword! And to him I say “That was a rather… taxing experience.” No time to celebrate, as I see a volley those… spike things, that you… put… receipts on andOW. FUCK.” (solo) (slow bit) This is the sad part Where we are now beaten, I guess We were supposed to get a soprano singer to record this, But she couldn’t make it She was being… audited Turn our backs and head away But I gotta say, We ain’t running, we just forgot today is laundry day Our good battle clothes are in the wash This whole thing’s just kabosh An unfair fight, technically not a loss Bureaucrats have burned it all away The temples, the churches the Asian buffet! Buried our oxycontin in the ground, Tax exempt status down the toilet All the way down No wall can keep the Green machine away No suit can deter The quest for easy money The moose will live, and rise again Til death takes us it’s not the end The greatest and sexiest criminal minds, We phish and plunder til’ the end of time
7.	The Scattering of Assets 05:19	lyrics
Our churches lie in ruin, burnt now to a crisp We’d have burnt them down ourselves, for the insurance tip The temporary tattoo parlor on whyte avenue and 99th street The vending machines, counterfeit jeans, the office of questionable but sexy tweets Everything is gone, only one thing remains Our beloved Spruce Moose One, the speedy getaway PLANE Long syllable thing Just staying alive Run to survive The CRA’s robot army’s arrived Bureaucrats Wish for us to die, We get in the plane, And race up to the sky This loss it ain’t the end The Spruce Moose will rise again This loss it ain’t the end Don’t care who complains They’ll take our super cocaine But can’t take our aeroplane This loss it ain’t the end Don’t care who complains Pita'd against the wall Wrapped up inside it all The sweet sauce of victory Did not lettuce see clearly Tomate oh what a waste On’ionder all post haste So lest we meat defeat We shall escape this beef Extinguisher of stars, who art currently in Panama, None ov the empty gods shall stand before our shareholders, Drain dollars ov Styx, grant me revenge! This loss it ain’t the end The Spruce Moose will rise again This loss it ain’t the end Don’t care who complains They can take our super cocaine But they can’t take our aeroplane This loss it ain’t the end Don’t care who complains

about

The AWAITED second album by the Spruce Moose! A grand concept record about an attempt to start a fake religion that goes quite awry...

credits

released May 19, 2023

Damen Johnson - vocals, screaming
Dylan Mooney - drums
David Pollock - bass
Mike Bell - guitars, extra screaming

Kent Geislinger - guest vocals on "Endless Forms Most Bureaucratic"

Drums tracked by Danial Devost, everything else tracked by Mike Bell
Mixed and mastered by Danial Devost

Cover art by Samuel Nelson